Two half-orcs walk into a bar… the dwarf and halfling go under it.
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An elf, dwarf, and human are all out enjoying drinks when they each notice a fly in their glass. The elf covers the glass with a cloth and slides it to the side. The human reaches into the glass and pulls the fly out. The dwarf snatches up the fly and yells “Hey! Spit that out, NOW!”
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Why should you never ask a dwarf to pay for drinks? Because he’s always a little short.
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What do you do if you see a halfling drowning? You gently lift him out of the puddle.
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How do you escape from a halfling? Step on a chair.
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A human woman comes home to find her human husband in bed with a female halfling. She screams at him “You said you wouldn’t cheat on me anymore!” to which he replies “I know… can’t you see I’m trying to cut down?”
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An adventuring party awakens one night. The cleric says “Look up at the stars, friends. What does the sight mean to you?”
The barbarian says “That the spirits of my ancestors are gazing down on me tonight, and that this is a blessing on any battles we wage tomorrow.”
The bard says “I am inspired by the constellations representing great heroes and their exploits, each one the subject of a thousand ballads and epic poems.”
The wizard says “I am impressed by the sight of a multitude of great balls of flaming gas larger than worlds, any of which could have planets as grand and fascinating as our own spinning around it. Why do you ask, cleric? What does the sight mean to you?”
The cleric says “It means the rogue has stolen our tent.”
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An orc runs up to a healer. The orc says, “Help! My friend just collapsed in the street and I think he’s dead!”
The healer says, “Okay, but make sure he’s dead first before I cast Raise Dead.”
The orc runs off. A few minutes later, he comes back to the healer. He’s cleaning fresh blood off of his axe. He asks, “Okay, now what?”
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How do you get a one-armed orc down from a flag pole? You wave at him.
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How do you recognize the goblin among the pirates? He’s the one with patches on both eyes.
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An Orc walks into a bar. The owner demands payment for the hole in his wall.
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Did you hear the one about the banshee? It’s a scream.
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Did you hear the one about the werewolf? You’ll howl.
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Did you hear the one about the Titan? Forget it, it’s way over your head.
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How do you break a goblin’s finger?
Punch him in the nose.
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Q: What do you call a dragon after it eats a group of adventurers? A: A party pooper!
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Q: Who gives the best hickeys? A: Neck Romancers!
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Q: How do you measure the radius of an enchanted forest? A: Find the Centaur.
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Q: How do gnomes name their children? A: Through complicated “gnomenclature”.
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Q: What’s green, red, and bumps into walls? A: A Goblin with forks in its eyes.
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Q: How do you stop a goblin from crawling around in circles? A: Nail its other hand to the floor.
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Q: How do you get a bar full of Dwarves up on the roof? A: Yell “drinks on the house!”
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Q: What do you call a druid without their animal companion? A: A virgin.
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Q: Why was the necromancer so unhappy about his new skeleton? A: He couldn’t find the funnybone.
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Did you hear the one about…
The broken sword? It’s pointless.
The angry mob? It’s a riot.
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An orc, an elf, and a dwarf find themselves being granted wishes by an Efreeti.
The orc says, “We orcs need to return to power. I wish all the orcs and half-orcs were returned to their ancient lands.” The Efreeti nods his head, and the orc vanishes.
The elf says, “The elves need to get back to their roots. I wish all the elves and half-elves were returned to their ancestral home.” The Efreeti nods his head, and the elf vanishes.
The dwarf looks around. “Let me get this straight,” the dwarf says, “the orc wished for all the orcs to be gone, and the elf wished for all the elves to be gone?” The Efreeti nods. “Very well, then,” said the dwarf, “I’ll have an ale.”
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A cleric, a druid, and a goblin walk into a bar. The goblin looks to other two and say “oops, I’m in the wrong joke.”
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A gnome entered a bar. He stood by the counter and asked by some wine. Seconds passes. He asks again… nothing.. he starts to jump, trying to look over the counter, and asking “I want a wine! I want a wine!. He gets upset and walks around it, and finds another gnome jumping, trying to look over the counter, asking “red or white? Red or White?”
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A Chelaxian, a Varisian and an Absalomian walked into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can you afford this?”. The Varisian leaves, the Absalomian drinks, the Chelaxian enslaves the bartender’s family.
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An arcanist, an alchemist, and a gnome go in a bar. The explosion left no survivors.
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As a city is attacked by a dragon, by chance, clerics of various faiths seek shelter in the same house. The one following Iomedae says: “We need to stop that dragon somehow! I say we slay him!”, to which the follower of Gorum agrees. The follower of Abadar says: “I say we strike a deal with him!” – everyone groans, but the one faithful to Asmodeus. The followers of Gozreh and Nethys are undecided, while the priestess following Sarenrae recommends a diplomatic approach. They all go back and forth, until finally, the follower of Calistria says: “Fuck it.”… and steps outside.
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How many gnomes does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw ’em
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How many elves does it take to turn a wheel? One. They hold the wheel, and the world revolves around them.
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How many clerics does it take to re-light a torch? One. They just cast cure light.
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What do you get when a demon tea party goes wrong? A Tea-Fling!
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How do you make Holy Water? You take regular water and boil the Hell out of it.
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Why do elves have ears like that?
There had to be some point to elves.
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Three women argue whose husband is the best lover.
The first one says: “My husband is a devout follower of Irori. He is insanely well-built and practices self-perfection in any endeavor.”
The second one says: “That’s nothing. Mine is a wizard. You won’t believe the sensations he can create with his illusions.” Then, she says to the third: “I kinda feel sorry for you. I know with a halfling as your husband, you’re worse off than us.”, to which the first woman agrees.
The third woman just smiles and says: “Oh, don’t worry about me. Remember, he’s a druid.”
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How many gnomes does it take to build a house? Depends on how many times you want it to explode before it’s finished successfully.
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Two gnomes meet in a bar without setting it on fire… just kidding, of course they did.
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How many Halflings does it take to feed a giant? You don’t know? Well me neither, 100 in, my giant’s still hungry.
How many dwarves does it take to feed a giant? I don’t know that either, he always gives up after three, because he doesn’t want to become too drunk.
How many elves does it take to feed a giant? Trick question. Giants are carnivores, not herbivores.
How many Orcs does it take to feed a giant? I tricked you again, he starts to vomit after just one.
How many gnomes does it take to feed a giant? About 30, but he’ll fart flames for days.
How many Clerics does it take to feed a giant? Only one. They’ll shove so much BS down his throat, he won’t want to eat.
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What do you call an Orc with two tusks pointing up? Normal. What do you call an Orc with 20 tusks pointing down? A necklace
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What do you get when you cross two halfings?
Stabbed in the shins.
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Did you hear how dwarves invented copper wire? Two of them were fighting over a coin
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Q: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards?
A: Ask three of them to play the same note.
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A dwarf and an elf step into a restaurant and sit at the table. The waitress asks if she could take their order.
The Dwarf says. “I’ll take the biggest steak you got. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire.”
The Waitress responds, “And what about the vegetable?”
The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, “He’ll take the steak too, and HE’LL LIKE IT!”
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A half-Orc walks into a bar, the bar tender says “We don’t serve your kind here!”
The half orc responds “Thats good, I just wanted the mutton.”
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Q: Why don’t halflings plan for the future?
A: They’re shortsighted!
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An ugly man walks into the cleric’s office and says: “Father I hurt all over.”
And the doctor says, “That’s impossible .
“No really!” he said, “Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch!
It hurts.
When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts”, he replies.
The cleric just shakes his head and says, “You’re a half-orc aren’t you?”
The man smiles and says “Yeah. But how do you know?”
The cleric replies, “Because, your finger is broken.”
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Q: What’s the brown stuff between dragons’ toes?
A: Slow halflings.
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What do you call a halfling fortune-teller who escaped from prison? … A small medium at large
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A gnomish bard has an audience with the High Priest of a prominent temple and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke.
“Have you heard the one about the two Half-Orc clerics?”
The High Priest replies, “I am a Half-Orc.”
The gnome pauses for a moment then says, “That’s OK, I’ll tell it to you slowly.”
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A Half-Orc is walking down the street, carrying a bag of holding. He runs into one of his friends who asks, “Hey, what do you have in that bag?” The Half-Orc tells his friend that he has some magic potions in the bag. His friend says, “Well, I’ll make you a bet. If I can guess how many potions you have in that bag, you’ll have to give me one.”
The Half-Orc says, “I’ll tell you what. If you can tell me how many potions I have in this bag, I’ll give you both of them.”
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Q: What do you say to an angry transmuter?
A: Ribbit!
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Q: What has 4 legs and an arm?
A: A happy hellhound.
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A human, and Elf, and a Dwarf are captured by a tribe of cannibalistic barbarians. They bring the human out in front of the tribe, and the chief says to him, “We are going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?”
The human replies, “Can I have my dagger?” They give him his dagger and he cuts his own throat.
They bring out the elf and say the same thing, “We are going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?”
The elf says, “Can I please have my dagger?” So they bring him his dagger and he, too, cuts his own throat.
They bring out the dwarf and say the same thing. “We are going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?”
The dwarf says, “Yes, can you bring me a fork?” Confused, the barbarians bring him a fork, which he immediately grabs and begins to stab himself repeatedly all over his torso, muttering, “To Heck with your canoes!”
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Why don’t elves wear hats? Because their noses are so high in the air, they’d keep falling off.
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A monk walks over to a street vendor and says “I’ll have one with everything” and hands the vendor a $20. The monk gets his food and after a minute or so says “So where’s my change?” to which the vendor replies, “Change comes from within”.
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A human, an elf, and a dwarf are all contracted to build a palace for the great Sultan of the Efreet. Unfortunately, the massive dome collapses and the efreet’s harem is crushed to death. Furious, the Sultan orders all three to be executed by beheading.
The human is dragged by the efreet’s servants to a massive obsidian guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops — and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says “It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free.”
Next the elf is dragged to the guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops — and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says “It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free.”
Finally, the dwarf is dragged to the guillotine. Just before his head is about to be locked in the stocks he looks up and says,
“Ach. I see the problem!”
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When is a fairy not a fairy?
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When its got its head up a pixie’s skirt. Then it’s a goblin.
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Katie Plays Games 